Inside The Mind Of Tigerclaw
by The Twitcherz
Summary: Enter a world where Sandpaw is the savior, Bette Milder makes random appearances, and Tigerclaw goes goth. Definitely as stupid as it sounds. [BEING CONTINUED!]
1. Bette Midler, eat your heart out

**Summary: Have you ever wondered what Tigerclaw thinks? Did you ever wonder how Redtail really died? And why does Firepaw have a strange new nickname? Enter a world where Sandpaw is Jesus, Bette Milder makes random appearances, and Tigerclaw goes goth.**

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**WARNING: This fic is incredibly random and stupid. I only put it up because I'm having major writer's block and it gives me something to do.**

**So here we go, into the mind of everyone's favorite murderer; Tigerclaw!**

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**INSIDE THE MIND OF TIGERCLAW**

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So today I had a pretty good day.

-

A bunch of otter warriors tried to take Sunningrocks. Again.

OtterClan.

It's funny how everything seems to happen to ThunderClan.

We always win.

We never die.

Except this time.

-

Maybe it's because I'm better than StarClan.

-

I AM YOUR GOD.

-

Bluestar is super PMS.

-

"Tigerclaw!"

"What?"

"You're thinking out loud again.."

"…crap."

-

"Tigerclaw, we must give up! RiverClan has too many warriors!"

"No, Redtail, Oakheart called me fat! ThunderClan will never be defeated!" (angst look)

"Tigerclaw, ThunderClan will honor your courage, but this is a fight we'd not win." (kills Oakheart)

-

"Tigerclaw, you need to lose some weight. Oakheart was right."

"STFUUU!" (kills)

"OMG REDTAIL GOT PWNED."

"…go away, Ravenpaw."

"….." (runs away)

-

That's how it really happened.

-

I'm feeling really depressed today.

I think I'll go emo.

-

"Tigerclaw, how did this happen? And why did you dye your fur black?"

"HE CALLED ME FAT!" (slits wrists)

"Whatever. (mumbles) Fat emo loser."

"STFU! (angst angst angst)

"Also, there is a new apprentice. Since his crappy American-made collar broke, it is a sign. He'll be called Firepaw, because yadda yadda yadda, we all know what's going to happen."

-

The other night, I had this weird dream.

Me and Goldenflower were.

Never mind.

-

So today I had to train Firepaw.

Oh my Tigerclaw, is he annoying.

First, he dubbed me, "Tiggy."

So I called him, "Great Balls of Fire".

I have a feeling that's a knock-off of some Twoleg 1980's song.

-

Oh my me.

I am fat.

(angst angst angst).

-

Great Balls of Fire, you are the wind beneath my wings!

"Tigerclaw."

"What?"

"You're talking out loud again."

"….crap."

-

Bette Midler, eat your heart out.

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	2. What's an Ohio?

**INSIDE THE MIND OF TIGERCLAW**

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Oh. My. Tigerclaw.

Bluestar must be thinking about Oakheart again.  
Yeah, we all acted like it was a huge shock but we all knew.  
Old Blue picked Lionheart as her deputy.

Him, instead of me?

-

I AM YOUR STARCLAN!

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"The wonderful thing about Tiggy, is Tiggy's a wonderful thing!"  
"Tiggy?"  
"What, kittypet?"  
"You're bouncing up and down on your tail again."  
"..." (runs away)

-

"I CAN'T MAKE IT ON MY OWN. BECAUSE MY HEART IS IN O-HIIIIIII-OOOOOO!"  
"What's an Ohio?"  
"Some emo place where pleasantly plump murders sing and cry together."  
"Oh, yeah, that makes sense."

-

Oh. My. Me.  
Lionheart is dead.  
Old Blue picked me as deputy.  
You know what that means?

-

IT PEANUT BUTTER JELLYTIME.

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"Dottedsmeef?"  
"It's Spottedleaf.  
"Just so you know, the kittypet that knows I killed Reddy, I think he's got the hots."  
"OMG 4 MEH!oneone"  
"No, for Graypaw. Or Grewpaw as seen on page 141 of the first epic novel of our adventures."  
"..."  
"How do you say, '...'?"

-

Runningwind told me to stop trying to eat him.  
I'm a growing cat.  
Around the midsection.  
I think I'll kill him next greenleaf.  
One more year.  
Your days are numbered, pal.

-

Great Balls Of Fire isn't digging my black fur.

I wonder what he'll think about the fishnets.

-

"SANDPAW! I SUMMON THEE!"  
"Oh my Tigerclaw, what now?"  
"I AM YOUR FATHER."  
"Oh sick. Goldenflower...you...? Oh my father."  
"That makes you Jesus!"

-

I am your StarClan!

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"Sandpaw is your Jesus!"  
"Tiggy, she's a chick! She can't be Jesus!"  
"Chick? OH!" (eats)  
"...well there goes the new prophecy."  
"Lardo."

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It's hard to be an angsty emo StarClan.  
Maybe I'll lose weight.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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More for Goldenflower to love.

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More mmmm in the middle.

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Great Balls Of Fire got his warriro name.  
He's cute when he second-guesses his roots.  
No one cares that he was a kittypet.  
But now, his new nickname is 'kittypet'."  
So I can see the angst.

-

Today I saw Brackenpaw eating a plant.  
Licking sap off of trees.  
It was weird.  
He must be one of those vegetarians like Kittypet's Twolegs were.

-

Just...effing weird.

-

He's going to fall in love with some cat who is years younger than him.  
Tis StarClan's intuition.

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**I need a life.**


	3. No clouds in my storm!

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**A/N: Inside The Mind Of Tigerclaw has returned!

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**

Oh. My. Tigerclaw.

I think Kittypet is onto me.  
With the whole killing Reddy thing, I mean.  
For one thing, he keeps following me around and screaming, "MURDERER MURDERER MURDERER!" everywhere I go.  
Effing weird.

-

Snap ya fingers! Do yo step! You can do it all by yourself!

"...Tigerclaw?"

"...I know, Kittypet."

"Again, how do you say '...'?"

"..." (runs away)

-

I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE.  
I DON'T WANNA BE THE REASON WHY EVERYTIME I WALK OUT THE DOOR I SEE HIM DIE A LITTLE MORE INSIDE I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM ANYMORE I DON'T WANNA TAKE AWAY HIS LIFE I DON'T WANNA BEEEEEE A MURDERER!

-

"AHA! I knew you were a murderer, Tiggy"  
"...crap."

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AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSSSTTTTTTT.

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I think I'm really outgrowing the whole 'emo' look.

-

It's so 2004, you know?

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"Hey, Dottedsmeef, what cliche stereotype should I portray?"

"I'm dead, remember?"

"Oh, right."

-

I think I'll go for the whole ghetto look.

-

Some blinggage could really help me out with picking up some ladies.

-

"Yo yo my main boiiii G-stripe!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME SEEING SILVERSTREAM SECRETLY?!?!"

"I mean...yo." (runs)

-

How peculiar.

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When Tiggy is in the party everbody put up their hands I get a half a mill for my beats you get a couple grand Never gonna see the day that I ain't got the upper hand I'm respected from California way down to Japan!

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ANGSTANGSTANGST

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No clouds in my storm!

-

So anyways, today I tried to let Kittypet be killed in a battle.

I was standing right next to him, but frankly, I'm too fat and lazy to help.

Then he let an enemy warrior go.

Which can only mean one thing...

-

IT PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME.

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**A/N: Yesssss I have returned! I'm feeling quite random, I'd love a few reviews. **


	4. Sally Struthers?

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**A/N: I don't even know what to say about this chapter...there are a few cuss words so if you don't like it, either grow up or don't read it, haha.

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**

Oh. My. Tigerclaw.

-

Today I caught Kittypet sneaking food over to RiverClan.  
He's just like Sally Struthers.

-

ANGSTANGSTANGSTANGSTANGST

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IMMA BUY U A DRANKKK IMMA TAKE YOU HOME WITH ME  
I GOT MONEY IN THE BANK, SHAWTY WHAT YOU THINK BOUT THAT?  
I'LL BE IN THE GRAY CADILLAC  
WE IN THE BED LIKE OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH  
WE IN THE BED LIKE OOH OOH OOH OOH OOOOHH

-

So today, Dubya-storm did a pretty neat trick.  
His eyes are now the color of sun-baked sand.

-

METAMORPHAGUS.

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Goldriver or whatever her name was, G-stripe's bitch, died.  
Right now they're in the nursery by my kits.  
-

They might get ugly all over my kits.

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"Bluestar."  
"What?"  
"...LET ME SEE YOU GET LOW YOU SCARED YOU SCARED DROP THAT ASS TO THE FLOOR YOU SCARED YOU SCARED."  
"...(gets low)"

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ANGST ANGST ANGST.

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You know, I wouldn't mind if Goldenflower died like Goldriver did.  
I mean, I'd be a little emo for a while. (ANGST)  
But then I'd be free.

-

SINGLE LIKE A PRINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

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Want to know a secret?

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Dubya-storm's in love with Ol' Blue (his aunt!)  
But...

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WHITESTORM DOESN'T KNOW THAT OL' BLUE AND ME DO IT IN MY VAN EVERY SUNDAY.

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...  
...I'm really sorry for that.  
But Dubya-storm can't love his aunt.

This isn't Tennessee, you know.

-

HIS PALMS ARE SWEATY KNEES WEAK ARMS ARE HEAVY THERE'S VOMIT ON HIS SWEATAH ALREADY, MOM'S SPAGHETTI

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Mmm...spaghetti. -drool-

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At the advice of my lawyer, I have never heard of anything called, 'The Simpsons'.

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I'm hot cuz I'm fly! You ain' t cuz you're not! This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot! This is why I'm hot! I don't gotta rap! I can sell a mill, sell you nothing on the track!  
I represent New York! I got it on my back! And they say that we lost it so Imma bring it back!

-

Holy punctuaction!

-

...betch.

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**A/N: Sorry about the long wait, AGAIN. Reviews are always appreciated! **


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